What is the Bastard Brain concept and Why is it Terribly Inconvenient?
Or choose your favourite negative modifier, like piece-of-shit.
Earlier this year, I wrote an article for a loneliness remedy group called The Wall And Us. This article was titled How to Use Strokes to Have a Healthier Life and in it, I coined a term I’m rather fond of: Your Bastard Brain.
Essentially, it’s a dissociation trick to help you get over anger, be more empathetic, and be more open to new experiences, thoughts, and actions.
If you stay to the end of this article, I’ll also show you an easy, tangible way to use this concept to improve your relationships, and be a more persuasive talker.
Or if you want to jump straight to that, I’ll be sad, but I’ll provide a handy link.
It’s not a novel concept (thankfully). As mental health discussions become mainstream, more and more people are writing about different aspects of why people fight, why the Internet is a toxic cesspool, and why important topics like Climate Change are in deadlock.
Nir Eyal and Lakshmi Mani wrote a fantastic article a couple of weeks ago about Confirmation Bias…
…and Matthew Inman over at theoatmeal.com illustrated this gorgeous piece on The Backfire Effect.
Confirmation Bias is the tendency to accept or pay attention to information that supports what you already believe or know. The Backfire Effect is where your brain reacts emotionally to an intellectual threat (such as an opposing viewpoint) like it is a physical one, thus making you defensive.
I highly recommend checking out both the linked articles.
So what do these concepts mean to you? The Bastard Brain concept is a combination of these two, and it is stopping you from reaching your personal goals. We are all brought up with an unfair amount of negativity around us, and our brains condition to it. They start believing that negativity and validating it as we grow older. Your inner voice becomes your greatest limiter.
Note: I have nothing against bastards. In fact, I think the entire concept of wedlock is outdated and silly. I just like the alliteration. Pick any negative adjective you like.
How does your brain limit you? Well, for starters…
You are Often Not In Control of Yourself
Have you ever done something “in the heat of the moment”? Something that you later regretted? Have you escalated a fight, even when you figured out it is meaningless? If yes, why do you think that happened?
Our brains go caveman when we are presented with perceived threats. Logic and reasoning often go out the window, even in non-lethal situations, and we act purely out of emotion to “defend” ourselves. The brain takes over, and begins to defend itself the best it can. This loss of control is why half the fights in your life happen.
I have a fantastic relationship with my mother. I share everything with her, and we are very comfortable living together… at least when I’m at her house. This past summer, she came over to mine, and I was very annoyed with how she insisted on having things her way — cooking, cleaning, managing the house, all when I didn’t want her to.
I clearly remember an incident where she was cooking, and one of my roommates praised her. He noted that we could never make rotis (flatbreads) perfectly circular like her. I immediately piped up, “speak for yourself”. Everybody stared at me weirdly. Even I knew I had messed up, hijacking simple praise because I felt threatened that she was trying to upstage me in my own house.
Sounds ludicrous, right? But that’s how we get sometimes, when we don’t confront our emotions. Your bastard brain keeps unhealthy feelings in a loop, and takes up battle stations when an opportunity presents itself.
But what about when you’re not in a confrontational situation? Well…
Your Brain is Not Your Friend
As noted, we have cavemen brains, obsessed with survival and defense. Even when you’re not in a confrontation with another person, your bastard brain elevates the fears and insecurities in your head to stop you from getting hurt.
It tries to protect you. It’s like your loving aunt Janet/Jaya whom you meet only during Thanksgiving/Rakshabandhan — it tries to mollycoddle and smother you.
However, you wouldn’t like your aunt Janet/Jaya if she were to stick around, because you have stuff to do, decisions to make, and risks to take. She second-guesses you when you do your work, and it’s annoying. Your brain is like that — it second-guesses decisions and actions because it is trying to protect you all the time.
That shit is exhausting, and makes you go “fuck it. I’ll watch TV instead.” Your brain doesn’t understand that the world has evolved. It doesn’t know you are the apex predator. So it literally pushes insecurity onto you, and it is stopping you from achieving your goals in the “new world” of civilization.
It pushes comfort, even if you want fulfillment. (Oh look, a convenient plug for another article.)
You might say, “Vaibhav, this is all well and good. But how do we fix this?” I’d say, “Thanks for noting my name at the top of the article. This is how.”
Dissociate to Win Over Yourself and the People Around You
Call your brain a bastard. Tell it that it is wrong. Treat your brain as a person completely different from yourself. That way, you can avoid stopping yourself from accepting new information. You need a certain amount of self-awareness for this, but simply practicing this separation is a good start.
For controlling my own bastard brain, I came across a handy little dissociation hack from a Facebook page, who posted this Tumblr screenshot:
I’ve tried this trick a couple of times, and it really works for me. The problem with the trick, and most mental hacks, of course, is that when you’re distressed, it’s hard to remember to apply the trick.
And hey, American readers, I don’t judge your politics. If you’re a Trump supporter, use the technique with someone else you dislike. I’m a brown man halfway across the world, if that works for you. Imagine I’m saying it and tell me to fuck off. President Obama was someone who had power over you — imagine it is Obama telling you that you suck, and show him the mental middle finger.
The point is to change your negative or limiting inner voice and change it to a third party so that it is much easier to ignore.
You can also use this technique to be more persuasive with people, and to have better relationships. Apply the same principle and dissociate blame from the person you’re trying to convince.
I find myself in a position now where I mentor or advise people frequently, whether it be family members or Toastmasters. If I need to criticize them, I make sure that I blame anything but them. For example, to my niece,
“Your brain is telling you that your friends don’t like you. You know that is wrong and you’re being misled, so let’s work together to shut your brain up.”
And to a Toastmaster,
“Your shoulders are being defensive when you’re on stage, so they tense up and affect your breathing and performance. Massage your shoulders and tell them to relax, and they will.”
This way, I don’t trigger their mental sirens, since I’m blaming a (faux) third-party. It stops them from being defensive, and thinking I’m full of shit just because I criticized them. It’s really been working for me, as I continue to mentor more and more people with their Toastmasters speeches and performance. I’ve been using the technique on you throughout this article (unless you jumped here :( ).
I want to use this concept for further articles on self-development, but those will come when they do. For now, I’m attempting a personal challenge called #AMediumNovember. If you like this article, you can see the Master List here:
